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When we need them as much as they need us

Yadi laying beside me as I work
Yadi laying beside me as I work on my laptop
One of the things I don't often talk about is my own need for a Service Dog. To look at me from the outside you wouldn't think I would need one.  I'm a successful dog trainer and entrepreneur, I have a lovely family with two boys and a very happy and amazing marriage to a husband who spoils me rotten.  Why would I need a Psychiatric Service Dog?

I grew up in very turbulent home.  My mom was an alcoholic and I watched her try to kill herself so many times it became almost normal.  I didn't understand that it wasn't something that everyone tried to do.  I began having my own battles with depression and anxieties when I was very young.  The first mental block I have was at age 13.  I don't have memories before that age, I have what I call photo memories.  I've seen a picture of something and my mind has formed a memory around that picture but I don't remember the actual event.  I've had several memory blocks since then, it seems to be my brains way of trying to protect me when I can not deal with things that are happening.

I have problems with people being to close to me, if a stranger gets into my personal space it often causes me to have a panic attack until I'm touching my husband or have my dog with me.  Once I know someone I'm ok with them getting close to me, but not until then.

Yadi snuggling in my lap
Snuggling with me after a long day of training other dogs
I have borderline personality disorder, PTSD and Secondary Traumatic Stress Burnout and trying to deal with stress sometimes is very hard. I have suffered from sever migraines since I was a teenager, and lucky me stress is a trigger for my migraines.  The more I stress, the worse the migraine is.
Lately I've developed new auras with my migraines, I've started becoming dizzy and light headed. Once Yadi picked up on it and alerted to me almost passing out but I've not worked with him on it since so it's something I really NEED to work on.

Sometimes it feels like the world is closing in on me and I just find myself wanting to crawl into my closet and cry, but my children and Yadi don't allow that to happen.  They need me.  My children do not always need me, but Yadi needs me as much as I need him.  He needs me to connect with him and feed him, and walk him.  He needs me to train him and take him to the vet.  There are days when I just feel like I just can't even bring myself to even think about working with him but if I don't, he will not be able to help me.  I need him to help me stop scratching when I get nervous.  I tend to zone out while I'm scratching and forget that I'm actually taking my skin off, until I'm bleeding.

I need him to help me be aware of when I am losing my temper because my brain has twisted something into something it was never meant to be.  I need him to help me be able to manage my own stress and what it causes my brain to do to itself.  Some of you guys will read this and relate to it, and some of you will not.

I don't write enough about Service Dogs and Service Dog Training and I should really change that.  Over the next few months I'm going to start a series of 100 days of training with Yadi and I will be working on his Service Dog training so I will be making a lot of posts about that.   The main think I need him to help me with is keeping me from using up to many of my spoons in one day.  I need to be able to pace myself better, I need him to help me with that.  I need him to help me remember to take a break and not try to take on the world when I'm already so drained.  I have a lot of people that are counting on me and I have so much I need to give them, but if I don't start taking better care of myself then there won't be enough of me to give them what they need from me.
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